But the real deal is that no mischief can erase what got etched into me.
I'm not gonna romanticize it: anal sex hurts like a motherfucker at the start. It's that burning sting that scorches deep inside, feels like it never ends, like it's ripping you open slow, inch by goddamn inch. Your body takes forever to accept that thick intruder, to loosen up those muscles that clench on instinct. Only after, when the pain starts to ease off a bit, does the pleasure sneak in, hot and slow, crawling up your back and making everything throb in a whole new way. But it's that thing: you gotta try it to know if you're gonna dig it or not. Some folks never wanna go back, others get hooked on the mix.
It felt like he was tearing me apart from the inside—and even so, I fucking love remembering that day.
I cried, moaned, bit the pillow till the fabric was soaked with spit and tears. The tears mixed with the hoarse moans ripping out of me without control. And in the middle of it all, came the craziest feeling: it wasn't just about the pain. It was about being surrendered, vulnerable, totally out of control. Getting dominated from behind, no choice, my body pinned under him, his weight crushing me into the mattress—that's exactly what made it all insanely hot. Heart pounding in my throat, breaths coming short, sweat dripping down my spine, and still my body responding, shaking, craving more.
Of course back then I had no clue how much being dominated turns me on to the extreme! I only figured that out later. Today I know: that was the day I started uncovering my dirtiest, most forbidden side, that piece of me that loves getting taken, used, marked.
Ended up thinking about two girls from my class who were also doing anal with their boyfriends. If I remember right, both were from the church. Since anal doesn't break the hymen, it was their way of juggling, on one hand, the guys' pressure to fuck; on the other, the social and family demand to "arrive virgin" at marriage.
But let's be real, virginity's got nothing to do with the hymen. But there they were, selling themselves as pure, chaste, untouched, when the reality was something else entirely.
Pure hypocrisy, come on, right?
In my case, it was way different. I've told this before. I never had that thing about staying a virgin. What held me back was the fear... fear of really giving myself to a guy I loved, but who wasn't even my boyfriend. And to make it worse: he had a girlfriend.
5:12 PM
I went straight to Carol's room, my heart still pounding hard in my chest, echoing off my ribs like it wanted out. I needed to spill it all, dump every detail before it faded from memory. I burst in, slammed the door shut in a rush, threw myself on her bed and took a deep breath, the air coming out shaky and hot, loaded with the smell of my own sweat mixed with his that still clung to my skin.
"Cuz... you have no idea what just went down," I blurted out all at once, my voice coming out hoarse, choppy, my chest heaving up and down way too fast.
She dropped her phone right away, eyes wide, and turned to me.
"Oh my God, Rafaella, spill it! You're shaking all over!"
Carol shifted on the bed, pulled the pillow into her lap, leaned her body forward, her eyes sparkling with pure curiosity.
"Carol... I hooked up with Diego."
"No way! Hooked up how? Like a kiss? Like making out? Like... hooked up????" she fired off, her voice pitching up, almost out of breath, her cheeks already flushing with excitement.
I rubbed my hands over my face, laughing nervously, still feeling hot from what happened.
The silence lasted half a second.
Carol smacked the pillow in her lap, desperate:
"For the love of God, Rafaella, tell me now!"
"Okay... okay. Hold on, I'll tell you. But... Carol... so much shit went down. I don't even know where to start."
"OH MY GOD, Rafa, you guys fucked????" she almost yelled, getting on her knees on the bed, her hands flying to her mouth right after, eyes bugging out in shock and delight.
"No! I mean, almost... but let me tell you..."
"Okay. We kissed in the pool. And... Carol... it was... it was something I've never felt in my life."
I started talking, words tumbling out, my voice shaking a little. Started with the kiss, right? Finally, the kiss I'd dreamed about so much... his tasty mouth invading mine, the chlorine taste mixed with his, his tongue dancing slow at first then urgent, leaving me dizzy, breathless, my whole body going limp against him.
I kept spilling without even breathing right. Told her how we ended up in my room, how he put me on the bed in a way that still gives me chills just thinking about—the weight of him pinning me down, his strong arms wrapping around me. Told her how he ate me out, his hot tongue exploring every bit, slow then fast, sucking hard till I came so intense my legs shook for minutes, my body convulsing, waves of pleasure crashing up and down nonstop, leaving me dazed, crying from how overwhelming it was.
Carol let out a naughty little giggle, biting her lower lip, eyes gleaming.
"It's good, huh? I love getting eaten out... I always cum so hard like that. Best part. Feels like everything throbs, you know? Like your whole body's focused there, hot, wet, and then it explodes."
Then she asked all curious if we'd fucked, but I shook my head, feeling my face burn again.
"No, cuz..." I murmured. "I wanted to so bad, really bad... but in the moment I... froze."
I explained to her it wasn't just the fear of the pain, you know? Hit me the fear of just being used. Of Diego just wanting that and done, fuck me and bye. I was still a romantic, right? Wanted a special first time, not just some heat-of-the-moment thing, something that'd mark my body and soul.
Then I took a deep breath and told her about the anal.
Her eyes went wide right away, hands to her mouth, and she let out a "no wayyyyy!" so loud I started laughing too. She tried to hold it in, but she was clearly having a blast, her body rocking a little on the bed.
"No way you gave up your ass, Rafa!" she said, biting her lip, eyes shining with that dirty curiosity. "Tell me EVERYTHING... every little bit... don't skip shit. What'd it feel like? Hurt a lot? Tell me the smell, the heat, all of it!"
"Yeah, and it hurt like a motherfucker, Carol. Never imagined it'd hurt that much. Like... when he wanted it... I was so out of it I just let him, didn't even think about the pain. The burn built up slow, scorching inside, like it was ripping everything. I cried, moaned, bit the pillow till it was soaked with spit and tears. But in the middle of the pain came this weird pleasure, hot, crawling up my back and making me shake all over."
She leaned forward, biting her lip, laughing, with that naughty gleam in her eyes.
"I love anal."
"Really?" I asked, surprised, feeling heat creep up my neck.
"Really," she said, with the dirtiest smile on the planet. "But I only started after I lost my virginity. At first it's intense as hell, hurts like a bitch, you think you're gonna die. Your body locks up, clenches everything, burns like fire. But once you learn to relax... girl... it's all pleasure. For real. Feels him filling you up, throbbing deep inside, and when he cums... damn, it's like your whole body explodes with him.
"The secret's staying relaxed and using a ton of lube."
We kept going there, having that chat about anal sex. Carol described her first time. Said it happened with Adriano, her first boyfriend—the same one who popped her cherry in the front.
She laughed and said Adriano had the biggest dick she'd ever seen, thick, hot, and at first she thought she couldn't take it, that it'd rip her for good. But after, with patience and lube, it turned into pure pleasure, a deep, intense pleasure that had her moaning loud and shaking all over.