Today I posted the text below on Reddit (r/relationships) and the post blew up with opinions: some supporting my autonomy, others warning about incompatibilities in open relationships with sex work, and a few mocking or judging. I'm sharing the full text I posted there + some comments that really made me think.
Here's the text:
Hey folks, I need to vent and hear some honest opinions because I'm really pissed off about a situation that went down.
My name's Rafaella. I've been working as an escort (I'm a prostitute, yeah) for a few years now. Even before I started charging for it, I was already hooked on casual sex—I'm addicted to the adrenaline, the risk, the feeling of being desired and "used" by all kinds of guys. Making money off it was just combining the useful with the pleasurable—and the best part: it gave me total financial independence. My dad always gave me everything, but I started this shit precisely so I wouldn't depend on any man, so I could be my own boss.
A little over a year ago, I started dating Lucas. We met at a regular bar, outside of my work. He met the real Rafaella first, not the professional. When things got serious, I laid it all out: I told him about the "job," that I'm a sex addict, that I might not be the girl for a traditional monogamous relationship.
His response actually surprised me. He said he was shocked at first (because "you don't look like an escort"), but that it didn't change a thing, that he thought I was amazing and accepted me as I am. He agreed the relationship would be open: he can hook up with whoever he wants, no jealousy on either side.
We set fixed days to hang out (usually weekends + Wednesdays during the day), and outside those days, if he wants sex with me, he pays like a regular client—I love when he hires me, pays for 1 or 2 hours when I'm free and uses me like an escort. For me, it's hot as hell and I even have fun with it.
Up to that point, everything was flowing great. He never showed any jealousy about my work, respected the schedule, etc.
But then yesterday was Wednesday, right? We had lunch together, hooked up and shit. And that night there was a Fluminense game at Maracanã. He asked me: "How many clients do you have today? If you cancel all of them and just hang with me? We can grab dinner and hit the game (or the other way around)."
Fuck, my last relationship ended exactly because of this—in the beginning it was the same: guy saying he accepted me as I am, but then the jealousy kicked in, demanding more attention... it got to the point where he offered to pay me a monthly fee to quit everything and be exclusive to him. That was the last straw. Don't try to buy me! That shit really offends me.
Money's never been an issue for me. I prostitute myself because I FUCKING LOVE IT, not because I need to. And the main thing: I started this to be independent and not have any dude bankrolling or controlling me. Accepting a "monthly payment to be exclusive" would be throwing away everything I've achieved—it'd be me submitting to depend on him somehow, ignoring the open agreement we made from the start. It felt like he was trying to "buy" me to turn me into his monogamous little girlfriend, even though he knows I never promised that.
No big fight yet (because I hate that shit), but I'm hurt.
Am I wrong? Am I being selfish for not giving him at least one day of exclusivity? Especially since he can and wants to pay? My fear is agreeing once and then he'll want it again and again...
Has anyone been through something similar (open relationship at first, but then trying to push monogamy or some kind of control)? Is it worth having a serious talk and reinforcing the boundary? Or is this already a sign he'll force it again someday?
Thanks to anyone who reads and chimes in ❤️
Some comments (I picked the most relevant ones):
Comment 1
I think your point is totally valid, you know? You're super self-aware and honest with yourself and others—maybe just go to him and clarify everything again (not a big fight) and say “dude, I didn't like how you said that, it's not about the money, it's about how I feel good with my life and my work” and hope he gets it… maybe he's already catching feelings and being straight up is best for both sides!
I found your honesty fascinating—few people have that kind of clarity about themselves!
My reply: Exactly!! Thanks for the comment
Comment 2
Gonna be brutally honest with you, Rafaella.
If you wanna stay in the job and date... you're gonna have to look in your own scene. Because any other guy outside that world isn't gonna wanna date you knowing you're getting paid to fuck other dudes.
Either you hit the jackpot with a super open-minded guy, maybe one who does something similar or is into that, or it's doomed to go south. I'm saying this because it's natural that at some point the guy won't feel so chill knowing his woman is banging others (unless that's already part of his routine).
I don't think talking's gonna change much. Your boyfriend found an interesting middle ground to bargain you out of the job... what you can make clearer to him is that you do what you do because you love it, not because you need to. And then it's up to him to accept it or bounce....
My reply: Thanks for the brutal honesty, man. You're one of the few who gave me a really straight-up piece of advice in the comments. Props, you seem like a sensible person.
For real, Lucas always seemed like an open-minded dude, and that's why we've been dating for a year. Honestly, I didn't even think it'd last this long.
"Your boyfriend found an interesting middle ground to bargain you out of the job" If that's really it, he's fucked because that kind of bargaining ain't gonna fly (even rhymes lmao). But I'll make it crystal clear to him that I do it because I love it, not because I need to. Either he accepts it and deals for real or he bounces.
Comment 3
My take is I'd never quit working (in any job) to dedicate myself exclusively to a relationship.
(Except in a situation where it's a woman married for many years who chooses not to work to take care of a kid, but that's a very specific hypothetical in a long-term relationship with real partnership already.)
My reply: Yeah, I agree
Comment 4
Have a serious talk with him about the original agreement. What's agreed on doesn't cost anyone anything.
If you feel like it's gonna turn into the same shit as before, just end it. It's shitty, but that's it.