Saturday, May 9, 2015
I walked out of Diego’s room and couldn’t even find my way, feeling completely lost, like I was hollow inside, unable to feel anything right. Lucky for me Carol’s room was right across the hall.
I went in, shut the door and collapsed on the bed. Then it felt like the whole universe came crashing down on me. The crying hit hard, I was sobbing so much I started hiccuping and couldn’t stop.
I’d done everything wrong. I’d given myself completely, body and soul, and it still wasn’t enough. I just lay there replaying every word he’d said, trying to figure out where I’d fucked up, like there was some right way to make him love me back. “You’re my cousin.” Like that erased everything we’d just done. Like the problem was me wanting too much.
I knew I should’ve been pissed. Should’ve felt disgusted with myself for begging like that, desperate, my ass still throbbing while my heart was shattering at the same time. But all I felt was this huge emptiness, like a hole I’d dug myself and now didn’t know how to climb out of.
And I know, diary, I should’ve kicked his ass out. It would’ve been perfect if I’d had the guts to look him in the eye and say, “Fine then. I don’t wanna be your fucking toy either.” But goddamn it, I love that idiot.
Carol sat down next to me without saying anything at first. She just rubbed my back while I kept choking on my own sobs. When I finally got the words out, I told her everything. The “I love you,” his cold reply, the disappointment… all of it.
She stayed quiet for a few seconds. Then she spoke, voice low but with zero sweetness in it:
“Forget Diego, Rafa. Seriously. He’s my brother, but he’s an asshole. He doesn’t feel anything for anyone. He just wants to fuck you.”
It hurt. Hurt like hell.
Worst part was I already knew that, but hearing Carol say it so straight-up felt like a slap in the face.
“I know he’s like that,” I said, voice all choked up. “But you know what’s worse, Carol? Even knowing that, if he called me right now I’d still go.”
She let out a tired sigh, the kind that sounded like it carried years of dealing with her brother.
“Yeah, I know you would,” she said, no judgment in her voice, just stating facts. “That’s why I’m worried.”
I stayed quiet, staring at the ceiling. The tears had stopped, but the emptiness was still there, sitting inside me like it was planning to stay for good.
“He said it was just fucking,” I muttered, more to myself than to her. “Zero romance. His way or nothing…”
Carol went quiet for a second, then lay down beside me, looking at the same ceiling.
“So what are you gonna do?”
I didn’t answer right away. Truth was, I already knew the answer, but I was too ashamed to say it out loud.