Thursday, May 21, 2015
You know that moment when you’re about to dive deep and you fill your lungs with air before going under? That’s what I did. I walked out of the bathroom and all I could think about was going home. I didn’t want to look anyone in the face.
When I passed through the backyard, they were all there, having fun, drinking, laughing in each other’s faces, with no fucking clue what was going on inside me. I’d been locked in that bathroom for over half an hour, picking up the pieces of whatever was left of me, scrubbing my skin raw trying to get rid of a smell that wouldn’t come off.
Out of everyone there, only one person came up to ask how I was: Gabriel.
I gotta admit: he was different. He had a look of real worry, not just that face of someone who still wanted to fuck me a little more. But I don’t like admitting weakness either. I told him I was fine, that I was just exhausted.
I just needed air in my lungs.
I went inside the house, hiding the sadness I was carrying, and headed straight for the bathroom. I needed another shower. Scrub myself again, harder this time, rip every bit of that filth I still felt off of me.
My body cooled down and started showing the marks: purple bruises from the hits, my ass hurting like hell, my pussy burning like it was on fire. In the middle of the desperation, I laughed. Still, I liked it, you know? Still, I liked it, you know? Being used. Being wanted by him. The way the others fucked me while Diego was there giving orders. That shit turned me on again, in a filthy, sick way.
This emptiness in my chest… I guess that’s all I am. Sick.
I lay down on the bed and when I closed my eyes, I heard his voice:
— You’re my obedient little slut.
I tried to sleep, let time wipe away that mess, but I couldn’t. My mind kept replaying every scene, my skin relived every slap, and I could feel my holes wide open, throbbing with pain.
That’s when something shifted in me, like an epiphany.
You liked being used like that. You know why you’re here whining? Because you gave them the control. Take it back, girl. Let yourself be used only when you want — and use them too. Learn to use when you want.
That’s it. Now I’m the one who uses. And you know what I’m gonna do?
I’m gonna fuck Lipe. And more than that: I’m gonna fuck whoever I want!
You know that moment when you’ve been holding your breath underwater for too long and finally break the surface?
I came up and breathed again, relieved.