Saturday, May 2, 2015
8:30 AM
Carol and I woke up early to the sound of the alarm. I’d made plans to go out with Isabella, my sister, and Carol, obviously. Destination: Teresa Street, up in Alto da Serra. That famous street packed with little clothing shops—especially lingerie. Exactly what I needed.
For the first time in my life I was gonna buy real lingerie, not those kiddie character panties or plain cotton ones I’d been wearing for years. Now I wanted different pieces, more provocative, the kind that’s basically dental floss, just like Carol’s. Stuff that’d make me feel like a real woman, turn heads, and be right for the hookups I was starting to have.
It was like, all of a sudden, I’d realized I wasn’t that same little girl anymore. And the panties had to change right along with me.
And… I needed something nicer for my first time.
You’re probably thinking: this girl’s crazy. She’s already done anal, already sucked dick, already gotten eaten out… how the fuck is she still talking about a first time?
Maybe what you don’t get is that, in my head back then, I really thought I was still a virgin because I’d never been penetrated “in the front.” To me, and to a lot of people, virginity was just that. Every time I said it to Carol, she never corrected me. Times were different and so was the mindset.
I’d set up the shopping trip the day before, right after getting back from ballet. A little before 8 PM, I went into Isabella’s room while she was getting ready to go out with her boyfriend.
— Isa… I need to talk to you.
She stopped in front of the mirror, lipstick still in her hand, and looked at me in the reflection.
— What’s up?
— I… decided. I want to have my first time. And I need to buy real lingerie. Something sexy. You coming with me?
Isabella turned around slowly. She stared at me for a few seconds, surprised. Then she let out a breath and sat on the edge of the bed, patting the mattress next to her.
— Come on. Sit.
I sat down. The silence got kind of heavy. We’d always been close, gossiping about school boys and who was hooking up with who, but we’d never actually talked about real sex.
— Mom’s probably already talked to you about this — she started, in a more serious tone —, but as your big sister, I feel like I’ve got the right too.
I knew what she was getting at. Mom had always been open. After my first period, when I was 11, she sat me down and explained everything: anatomy, pregnancy, condoms, diseases. She never told us we couldn’t get involved with guys, but she made it crystal clear:
“Value yourselves. Don’t just spread your legs for the first guy who comes along. Wait until you really feel ready.”
She was a feminist. Never said anything about waiting till marriage.
Isabella looked at me sideways.
— I already know you’re with someone. Aunt let it slip. It’s that Rodrigo guy, right?
I pretended it didn’t make me uncomfortable.
— Yeah…
I almost told her what I really wanted was to lose it with Diego. Isabella had always known about my crush on him. But I wasn’t sure how she’d react… so I let her believe it was gonna be with the “fake boyfriend.”
— Rafa, you guys have only been together for, like, no time. Don’t you think it’s way too soon?
I looked down.
— Tell me the truth — she pushed. — Is he pressuring you?
— No, Isa, relax. — I dropped my head, staring at nothing, feeling a shitload of guilt. My sister treating me like some saint, with no idea what I’d already done. — I’m the one who wants it.
Isabella stayed quiet for a few seconds, then sighed.
— Just promise me one thing. Really think about whether you feel ready. Because you can’t take it back after. And please… condom. Every time.
I just nodded, couldn’t look her in the eye. Dying of shame.